Season 3, Episode 49: All this GUN talk!

Season 3, Episode 49

Nicole:

Hey, friends. Before we kick off today’s chat, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. I know that it is so easy for us to get caught up in the day to day and I just want you to know that I really cherish our relationship, I cherish the ability to have a place to speak into your lives and the fact that you trust me to do so. I appreciate that you give me feedback and that you chat with me in the DMs over on Instagram at Nicole Walters. And I just want to let you know that this is really important to me that we’re able to communicate and learn and grow together.

And that is always my intention behind this time that we spend, is that we’re able to, you know, rise to the levels and do bigger things and share industry secrets and laugh about the difficulties of life and momming and growing and self care and all of those things. So this time is really important. And I say all of this because we’re going to have one of my legendary tough talks. And I always like to give you a heads up on whenever we’re about to do those, mostly because sometimes they’re a headphone warning situation. And you know, I try not to use too much spicy language here. But I am going to be talking about subject matter that might be a little bit tougher for the little years, but is really important. And I want to make sure that you can gather that info and then filter down accordingly.

So if you don’t have the headphones on, grab them. If the littles are within earshot, let’s shift them to the side. And let’s just get started.

So friends, I want you to know that it is difficult to come and talk to you yet again, we’ve had previous chats about this, about another school shooting. And I want you to know that I’m not going to go into the heavy details of what happened, how it happened, at the recent tragedy in Nashville, because I know that it’s already been on our hearts and minds. And everywhere we turn this week.

And I also know that some of you listen to this chat as an opportunity to sort of escape and feel a little light hearted and get a laugh. And you know, and I don’t want to take that away from you. But what I do want to talk about are some issues outside of that core issue. And some things I’d like to call out about what we can learn from not just this shooting in particular, but from the conversation and dialogue around it.

This is actually applicable in business. It’s applicable in our everyday lives. It’s applicable in our marriages and in our relationships. It’s also applicable in how we absorb things on social media, and it’s something that we need to learn, not just for ourselves, but for our children. So I want to talk to you about some of the things that I’ve noticed in conversation around difficult issues and how we can avoid doing it ourselves and also how we can make sure that we don’t become victim to some of this language.

Now, friends you already know and I’ve said many times over, that I am a person that believes in grace, grace, grace, grace, grace, grace, it abounds with me. If there’s anything that I am very, very good at, it is doing my darndest to see the absolute best in people. I mean, to a fault, you know, I mean, ask my therapist. I will see the best in someone all the way, you know, where they honestly should have been cut years before because I’m like, Ah, but I still see that smidgen of potential. I still see that sparkle of hope, you know, and, and honestly, it’s, you know, my best and worst attribute, you know. It’s something that I’m really proud of, you know, because it means that I am a bright side person. But it also is something that I have to make sure I manage, because I don’t ever want that to be taken advantage of. And I know that some of you guys can relate to that.

What I want to address is that having this ability also allows me to be able to see perspectives on issues where other people may not be able to. I am very, very good, this is honestly one of my god gifts and it served me well in corporate, I’m very good at being able to stand in a room with people on many different sides, or having different values, different systems, different perspectives, different backgrounds, and truly listen to their perspectives and kind of understand here and filter out the common ground. That is easily one of my biggest gifts. It makes me a negotiation maven, it makes me really, really great at knowing how to adapt in different rooms. It makes me useful at networking.

And honestly a lot of it is attributed to my background, you know, for those of you who are new here or may not know much about me or are learning about me, you know, I am the child of first generation immigrants, you know, both from Ghana, West Africa. I’m a black female. I have been married to a white male, I have adopted children, I seek to carry my own children. You know, I am a sibling. I grew up in abject poverty. I currently live as the 1%. I am a self-made millionaire, I’m an entrepreneur. I mean, I really fit into a lot of different spaces. I have lived internationally, in a third world country for multiple years. I speak multiple languages, you know, and I say all of these things just sort of a bullet point of letting you know there are rarely rooms that I enter that I don’t understand or can connect with people on some level.

I mean, having lived on the east coast on the West Coast, in rural Pennsylvania, like y’all I know how to artificially inseminate a cow. I can breed sheep. I have grown my entire Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, I’ve never gone hunting but I do know how to skeet shoot so I absolutely know how to handle a rifle and you know and shoot trap I mean, I really I know how to knit crochet like when I tell you I really have like a real suite of skills if you will, if there was ever an apocalypse I you know everyone joke’s on my friends like Nicole is your go-to you want to be trapped in a bunker with her she will keep you going.

So I say all of this to let you know that strangely enough I mean if you put me in a room with anyone politically or with like very strong and intense views, I can probably understand where they’re coming from or how their experiences or background may inform that opinion. Right, that value, that morals so I say this to you to let you know that it makes me one who doesn’t condemn people just because they don’t believe the way that I believe. Now, does it mean that I agree with everyone? No. Does it mean that I don’t have my own personal morals, values opinions, and you know, voting record and political ideals and all of that you better like I have absolutely my own person who has my own thoughts around kind of what I think may be best for not just me but my my neighbor and the the greater world. And the world I like to see my children grow up in but I also am very good at listening and hearing and understand where people come from without getting angry.

And so I say that to let you know that developing this trait and having it as a core attribute has been so useful in this crazy pants world. Am I right? Y’all the fighting on Facebook, the fighting on Instagram is out of control. I have never in my life been in a world where people are so openly aggressive about their way being the right way and feeling such a need for other people to align with it, in order to I don’t know, if it’s to get validation or justification or understanding around their perspective, I don’t know. But, you know, you better believe that somebody else agreeing with you is not going to be the thing that creates change necessarily, right.

And the thing that I want to call out here is a lot of you have, you know, watch my content, or came to me on social media one way or another, because he found some of my videos that I’ve done that are tough talks, where I have addressed issues that tend to be fairly inflammatory. And I’ve chosen to use the language of grace in order to explain them in the best way possible to hopefully incite understanding rather than anger. And one of those videos went viral, shortly after the, I’ll call it the racial reconciliation movement of 2020. I don’t know how much was accomplished, you know, at that time, but that’s a conversation for another day, I will say that, you know, I’d like to think that there were some strides in awareness, is the best way that I could describe it. You know, I don’t know how much progress we’ve made, unfortunately, in terms of actionable change, and not performative conversation. But if you want to know more about that, we can talk about that the DMs.

But I will say, though, you know, during that time where there was sort of a groundswell of people sort of awakening to concepts that may have been, you know, introduced to them, regularly discussed, or, you know, in their present for truly, maybe absorbing a different understanding around the experience due to the murder of George Floyd, I did a video, and that in that video, you know, I described in the simplest of terms that this really is real, you know, and I think that what made that video so impactful based on the feedback that I’ve heard, because that video was, it went super viral. And it was used as a teaching tool in corporations, the video was used in conversations in women’s groups, in churches, especially particularly in areas where they may not have been as open or prepared for some of the more academic-style conversation around it, because they just weren’t in a position to understand or on a base level, it was difficult to understand the data and the information, or they were just so tied to some of their initial ideals and they just needed a conversation that felt more practical, if you will, and tied to a face.

You know how sometimes when you’re learning something, there’s learning it in a lecture style in collegiate but then there’s also learning it through real world application. So I can tell you and describe all day what an orange is. But if someone walks you to a market and puts one in your hand, it’s a lot easier to understand. And I think that for some people, that was an opportunity through my video, when I explained look, I want you to know that this is a real thing. That racism is absolutely a thing that occurs and here are some other ways that you can look at it that may help you have a better understanding of the emotion that black people are trying to express, you know, when we say that we are subject to carrying this weight with us everywhere we go. And in providing a couple of different analogies and situations and examples, you know, of how it is not just impacted my own life, but the lives of my children, and is a continuous thing that I have awareness around wherever I go, it really did help, you know, kind of have some lightbulb moments for people and, and I want you to know that this is something that is, that I’m working on, you know, and that I’m working to use at the right moments around the right issues to allow everyone to hear and experience more.

And essentially, when it comes to gun safety, I had a conversation about this online as well. And this relates to, you know, what I’m talking about here today, you know, it’s an inflammatory issue, because America, they love that we I mean, I’m an American, right? So America, we love our guns. It is such a thing here, you know, and when I say we, I’m not speaking about myself specifically, you know, but just really passionate about gun ownership. And, you know, passionate about the rights within our Constitution and what they’ve been afforded to us, and just really picking up a banner around being protective over those rights as part of how they identify us as being different from the rest of the world. As being a portion of what we believe democracy to be. And I just want to say that I think that sometimes we confuse language with our values, and we get away from actually thinking of how things look in practice, and we get so caught up in the language around it and here’s what I mean by that.

I believe that we have confused the right to own a gun, and the right to have guns with the ability to protect our families. And when someone says that they want to take your guns away, the feeling that I believe that people are experiencing when they hear that is, I don’t have a right to protect my family, and/or myself. And I just I say this out loud, because if you are someone who is big on gun ownership, and that is something that you’ve even grown up with culturally or, you know, you have an experience of living in, you know, rural country and hunting is where you have some of the best memories that you have with your family or, you know, even if you are interested in guns as a hobby or you know, military as a hobby. You know, when you hear that, I imagine that it probably triggers some like, yeah, Heck, yeah, you know, I, it is my right, you know, to be able to protect my family, from any forces, you know, that may come in, whether that is the, you know, a rogue government or a burglar or any type of threat, it is my right as an American to do that.

And I feel good about being in a place, you know, and in a country where I have that right, and it is protected by law. And that is the last thing I want to give up is the right to protect my family. And on the other side of it, you know, I think that we have people who say, Look, you know, I’m not saying that I want to take your guns, I’m saying I also want to protect my family, and in protecting my family, because it is my right to also not own guns, and, and guns appear to fall into the hands of people who should not have them. For whatever reasons, I know that, you know, people say, Well, this, you know, and mental health and all that we’re just saying just facts of it all, for whatever reasons guns are falling into the hands of people who shouldn’t have them. I’m concerned, you know about how these guns are being cared for, stored, handled, training, what have you. And I want there to be additional safety measures, so my family’s protected.

So the thing I want to call out here is that when I hear these conversations, the biggest thing that’s being echoed and shared is that everyone wants to protect their family. But unfortunately, because of the language and underlying divisiveness, and the naturally inflammatory nature of the fire that us mamas and parents have for protecting our babies, it’s so heightened. Because even the conversation feels like a threat. And if there’s anything I can do to de-escalate that emotion, as we are trying to figure out how to move forward, after tragedy, after tragedy. It’s that I want us to keep at the forefront that we are actually on the same side. And I know that sounds absolutely bonkers, because it sounds like how could we be on the same side if one person wants me to give up something and another person is saying that, you know, I’m not comfortable with you having this thing. And I want you to know that it’s because of language. 

There are parties and people, you know, that benefit from divisiveness and they benefit financially. They benefit in terms of power, they benefit in terms of the ability to be vocal around their own ideals and advance their own personal goals. And those parties whether they are lobbying firms or government institutions, or individual politicians. They benefit from people remaining divisive because people when unified, create change. People when divided do not. And the best way to continue divisiveness is to insert inflammatory language that creates heightened emotions and prevents conversation. I really want to emphasize that again. The best way to retain control and power is to insert divisive language that creates inflammatory conversations and prevent people from becoming unified and creating change.

And particularly when it comes to issues of gun control, right control being one of those words that makes people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to be controlled that makes me feel uncomfortable, or gun bands. Ban is a word that makes you feel uncomfortable. You’re saying that you don’t want me to be able to do anything. It sounds very totalitarian like no I can’t have it at all.

These are words that are far more frightening to you know and inflammatory than gun safety, gun restrictions, gun legislation. None of those words sound anywhere near as none of those words incite the need to be protective, as much as words that sound like they are all or none. And I have to tell you, I keep seeing this as a pattern.

Immediately after the George Floyd murder, the conversation shifted, as soon as people started being very unified. And I think a lot of you, I’m just, I’m just taking it back. So you can kind of walk with me and see what I saw, which was that almost instantly unified, we all were like, this is bad. It’s not good. This makes people uncomfortable. No one is okay with this. And we need to do something different because this can never happen again. I don’t know anyone who didn’t feel that way after watching that video, or hearing the pleas and the cries of the black community to say, can this please be enough?

Unified, we were all just like, this is horrific. This cannot happen. This is terrible. It is wrong, and it shouldn’t have happened. And if we’re saying that it’s happening more often than not, we have a problem with it collectively as a community. When I tell you, as that groundswell of conversation started in a grassroots way, and we were so incredibly unified, things started to happen. There was cancellation, they were bans, some money was shifting and moving into certain places that could cause real long lasting and impactful change. There were calls for legislation, I mean, a lot of things were happening, that were shifts, that people in power, and people that were accustomed to things being the way we’ve always done them, you know, we’re very uncomfortable with.

And so here’s what happened, there started being an insertion of language that is divisive language that even the word divisive is being used to imply that if I think differently than you, I am trying to cause a problem. It’s not that, I’m talking about divisive language, meaning we’re talking about the same thing, but I’m going to call it something different to make you feel like we’re not on the same side, hear me clearly on that. We are talking about the same thing but I am going to call it something different to make you think we are not on the same page.

An example of that, from that timeframe will be the language around defund the police. I don’t know if you heard that at all. I don’t know if that was something that you that might have made you uncomfortable, or if it was something that you supported. And you were like, oh, yeah, no, I totally remember this. And I remember thinking to myself, Okay, this thing is getting out of hand, you know, like right out of the gate. And I can understand when hearing that language, particularly if you are a military family, or if you have a family member that serves or if you grew up in a rural community, or if you don’t have a lot of experience interacting in major cities or with minorities, that you hear that language and you’re like, are you kidding me? People are saying we should get rid of police systems? We should completely just get rid of it? We should defund like not give them money?

Y’all, when I tell you, it was so saddening to me to hear that language use because it isn’t an accurate representation of what it actually means. Defund the police is an oversimplification of what was actually a fairly simple concept. When explained, what was being asked for in that context was, can we reallocate funds? Meaning can we take the lump sum of money, let’s say that we give a million dollars to the police, and instead of spending $250,000 on overtime, because so many officers are working 60-80 hour weeks, just utterly exhausted, but half the crimes are responding to aren’t even crimes their cat stuck in trees or a family member who’s unwell and needs, you know, take into a psychiatric situation for an evaluation or a, you know, an unruly kid or, you know, they’re responding to this huge set of community issues that are really not suited, or even the best use of police officers time and and can create situations where they can escalate. And also our officers are tired because they’re working this many hours and tired is not a good place to be if you’re gonna hold a weapon, you know, and defunding meant let’s move some funds from this overtime situation of responding to things that get these officers less hours. And let’s take these funds and apply them in creating a trained semi volunteer workforce, you know, that is available to respond to these issues and is qualified to do so.

So let’s create a group of mental health professionals. And instead when those calls come in, instead of routing them to expensive overtime hours police officers who aren’t even fairly equipped to handle, you know, an unruly teen, let’s route that to an overtime or an extra dedicated, hired mental health professional, who is able to go and respond to that and then tap a professional, you know, officer if indeed it is required. You know, and so you hear this term defined. And what they meant was, let’s defund things within the policing system that aren’t able to be used properly and don’t serve anyone. They don’t serve the neighborhood. They don’t serve the officers, they don’t serve the officers’ families, they don’t serve the community, they don’t serve the systemic behaviors that have always been, let’s start rerouting it as we have evolved as a society into building out the infrastructure that helps our society.

Mental health issues have always been around since the beginning of time, we’re just finally getting the tools and understanding on how to address them. And what’s unfortunate is we’re not changing our systems to be able to address them accordingly. So since the beginning of time, we’ve had police officers and mental health, you know, if it came up as an issue, we just threw people in jail. While we’re still doing that, even though we have a better understanding around mental health, even though we have a better understanding around where these people need to go, and how we can help support them and tools that can be provided. But we’re not implementing it.

So when you heard all this language around, defund the police. It’s nerve racking, I mean, no one wants to hear that if there is a situation much like these school shootings, we need police officers. We need someone who can come in and do something. However, if there’s a situation where your teen is getting out of sorts, and as a parent, you’re concerned about their safety, their well being or the wellbeing of others, an officer may not be the right person to call in around a kid’s tantrum. We need an alternative that is qualified to be able to go do that. And how much would we love to send our officers home early, at the end of a 40 hour work week, instead of giving them overtime to show up with an unruly teen?

I’d much rather if it was my baby, have a professional come in and see funds allocated for that. That’s what that meant. But man, oh, man, you better believe that that was not what people’s takeaway was. And then we get into these arguments around the belief of what we think the term is or what the concept is, rather than actually discussing how to move forward. And that’s how we say the same. And, friend, I want to let you know that people get so exhausted in those conversations that we actually stop doing. We actually stop creating change. We actually get so confused, that we end up just staying in the same position till the next tragedy occurs.

And it’s my hope that after tragedy after tragedy, I’m trying not to get choked up. But after seeing tragedy after tragedy of kids, holding hands, exiting schools and dealing with the trauma of school safety drills, and just being desensitized. Being told that there’s nothing we can do, that we don’t believe that, because choosing to do something about gun safety isn’t political. It’s choosing policy over politics. It’s choosing people over money. It’s choosing principle over party, as my good friend Sharon always says.

It’s making sure that we recognize that enough is enough and we’re all on the same side, when it comes to wanting to protect our families. Friend, believe it or not 92% of us in all surveys, some of the surveys come in around 87. But either way, the vast majority of us I mean, overwhelmingly are absolutely in 100% agreement that we need gun safety. As a matter of fact, if you’re a gun owner and you’re listening to this, you actually are some of the biggest advocates believe it or not for safety roles because you are a responsible gun owner.

And I know right now, if you’re listening to this you’re nodding your head, you’re like, actually, yes, you know, I want to make sure I can keep my weapon because I did the training and I got the license and I bought it legally and I protected and lock it up. And I make sure my kids are educated and not to touch it. And I make sure I mean heck, some of y’all don’t even own assault rifles. You’re like listen, the last thing I want to see are bands over my you know, tiny weapon that I use or my you know, my hunting tool or whatever, you know, because I am not even part of this, right? So it’s why we have got to find this unifying language, you know, and stick with what we know which is we’re all looking for safety. We’re all looking to see that there are restrictions placed around assault rifles. Everybody agrees on this. Everyone agrees on this, that there’s no use for an everyday citizen to carry around an assault rifle.

You don’t use them for hunting, you don’t use them for personal protection. You’re not carrying them around as a concealed weapon because frankly, they don’t fit, right. I wear spandex and Spanx. Okay, no ar 15 can fit up underneath that. All right, I can barely fit up underneath it. Okay, friend, seriously. So we’re all in agreement, especially because this is the weapon that is primarily used in most mass shootings, that this is a weapon we don’t really need. It is a weapon of war, it is meant for accelerated situations the same way that it may be your right to own a tank, but where are you going park that? Especially with these gas prices in this economy?

We don’t need tanks. You know, it’s that simple, right? So we’re all in agreement on that. That’s actually something that most of us are nodding our head saying, Yep. Yeah, I’m pretty cool with that being fine, especially if it means I get to keep my personal defense weapon. Outside of that we’re all in agreement that there needs to be tighter background checks. All of us on the same page with that, frankly, I found that a lot of us didn’t even realize how easy it is to get a weapon without a background check.

That you’re able to just go and purchase it. And they’ll let you take it home while you wait for three days for it to come through. And the background checks may not even look into previous crimes, they may not look into a huge category, which is domestic violence. And you may not know this, but you know, domestic violence is actually a pretty big predictor of whether or not that person is likely to engage in violence in a public way as well. And some of these background checks, don’t even check to see if there have been calls every week to your home about whether or not you’ve engaged in domestic violence. You know, that’s something that is readily available information that we’re not even screening for.

Can you imagine how many wives, moms, children and families, you know, and husbands to be honest, because domestic violence goes both ways, you know, lives could be saved. If we just did that check. The last thing you want to do is put a gun into someone’s hands, who’s dealing with mental health struggles and stressors at home? You know, especially in the case of suicide as well, you know, so that is something that we all agree on. Tighter background checks.

Most of us agree on mandatory wait time frames, meaning if you want to buy a gun, you don’t get to take it home that day. I mean, there’s a very rare circumstance where it’s like, I bought this gun today, and I need to get it home today that isn’t a concern. Right? You know, there’s no reason why you can’t purchase your gun. We wait a couple days while we do our checks. While we make sure our licenses come in, while we make sure everything checks out before you come and pick up your weapon.

I think that’s a good move. It just makes sense. Right? I think that if anything, if someone’s saying no, I need this gun right now, immediately. That’s more like a red flag. Yeah? It’s kind of a red flag situation. I’ll just letting you know, from my personal perspective, growing up and going to boarding school, you know, and living in rural Maryland, and, you know, also living in inner city DC and the major city of Atlanta and LA, I know gun owners. When I tell you most of them hope they never have to use their weapon. That is like the mindset of most gun owners. They never want to use their weapon. They hope and pray that they don’t have to use it outside of people who hunt. And people who hunt, they’re like, I take my gun out during hunting season and then I don’t see it again all year.

I know that gun owners who hear this right now are like yeah, like all of this stuff feels like a no brainer. What do you mean that this is what people are talking about? And I want to let you know that, you know, as someone who is a mom, you know, and someone who is a major, absolute, deep passionate auntie and lover of the littles you know, including yours. I am passionate about gun safety, because it makes sense. It just makes sense. Guns are not something that you leave out on the counter. Guns are not something that you just give to anybody. Guns are something that if someone goes in and checks themselves in for a mental health break or evaluation or that they are having extra issues, and we are aware that they have weapons, we should be taking those away for their own safety, if not just everyone else’s.

I mean, the truth of the matter is there is a way to allow people to have their self defense tools to protect themselves and their families if the need arises. And we hope and pray it never does. But there’s also a way to make sure that everyone feels safer, that we are all protecting our families and that we’re making sure that we’re creating a world that isn’t continuing to experience tragedy after tragedy after tragedy after tragedy. The trauma of that is too much to bear. It is affecting our psyche, it is affecting our children.

How many of you when you go into movie theaters or public spaces, mentally plan an exit route? How many of you look to the doors? How many of you look up and down at people? You know, when they enter spaces to try to read their face or their body language to determine if there’s an issue? How many of you are extra extra grateful whenever you pick up your kids from school every day? How often do you have to hear, I’m sending my thoughts and prayers, gug your kids a little tighter tonight. I hug my kids tight every night. And I don’t want to be extra thankful that they’re here just because someone else’s kids are not. The answers aren’t as complicated as they seem.

And the beautiful thing about who we are as people is that we have more shared values than we do differing ones. We love our families. We love our kids, we want to be safe. And we want to protect the people that are closest to us. And we want the freedom to be able to do that as intensely as possible. But none of us want to see the type of loss that we’ve become accustomed to. We don’t want to become desensitized to it. We don’t want to believe that there’s nothing to be done. We don’t ever want to believe that it’s gone too far. That is the very lie that keeps us from growing as a collective. And I want to tell you growth is possible. If anyone knows that it’s me. I’ve seen it in my babies, I’ve seen it in myself, it is possible to grow and change. So that’s what I call on you to do, friend.

I want you to know that your lawmakers work for you. And as a corporate professional, I can tell you that they all could go on performance improvement plans. They all need some feedback to know that if they don’t start making change, their jobs are up for termination. Friend, we can all agree. We have to keep our babies safe. So demand it. Don’t settle. And let your politician know that this is a priority issue. Engage in organizations that are reaching out and trying to fight money with money. They’re out there trying to advocate and say, Look, this makes sense. It’s a top issue. Support these organizations. Those organizations are not political at all. They’re simply trying to fight against all the campaign dollars that these politicians are getting to continue to fight and advocate for something that none of us really care about or want. What we want is to see change. So together, we’re going to have to go out and get it. I’m with you friend. Let’s make it happen.