Season 3, Episode 54: I feel SO alone!

Season 3, Episode 54

Nicole:

Hey, friend. Now, there’s this phrase that is used often in my house. And I wonder if you have a version of this in your own life. And the phrase is, “there’s a face, on your face.”

And it’s something that we say to each other, Alex actually started this one, whenever someone is clearly in a mood, like in some sort of funk, or some sort of something, but maybe not expressing or openly communicating. There is a face on your face.

And this is sad, because it basically is saying, hey, look, I’m acknowledging and seeing how you feel, and I’m opening up the door for you to talk to me about it, share about it, because I want to know. And it’s great because I have a partner who makes sure that all the ladies in the household are seen, especially when we have faces on our face.

And it’s great because I often in this season, you know, have a face on my face, just you know, having dealt with divorce having to be responsible for all of the finances, you know, for my babies and caring for them. It’s a lot, you know, so I mean, I can wake up and just be in a mood, or I can get an email and you know, be kinda like what the heck or you know, like crazy things can happen.

And so it’s incredible, because no matter what, I won’t stay in my funk for long, or I won’t be allowed to just not explore it, because I’ve got someone with me who will help support me. But what I wanted to talk about was the sort of misconception that I think a lot of us have, whether we’re in partnerships or not in partnerships, that our partner is going to be responsible for helping us change or grow or be more successful in respective seasons.

And the reason I want to talk about this is twofold. One, if you’re not in a partnership, I have heard from, Alex has a good number of single friends, I don’t know if y’all have noticed, but I feel like guys are staying single longer. But Alex has a good number of single friends. And they’re talking all the time about how they want a woman who’s like independent, right, and not independent, just in the financial way or self care, like their ability to care for themselves way, but independent in terms of being purposeful, and chasing their own goals and having their own skill sets and being driven and ambitious, and, you know, being really motivated to go do things. 

And I’ve asked some of them, you know, like, why, you know, why do you want to be with someone like that? And their answer was always, you know, because I want to make sure I have someone who’s on me too, you know, like, I want to be a power couple, I want to be someone who’s like going for it together. So pin in that thought, hold that right. Because my girlfriends says the same thing. They want a guy who’s got it all together, who is motivated, who is able to be a go-getter, who is driven, ambitious, and hitting their marks, you know, and that’s wonderful. And as a female, I can understand that a little bit more. Because I want that and seek that as well, especially in my partnership.

And I’ve also experienced all sides of that in the various partnerships I’ve had, where I know what it’s like to be with someone who lacks motivation, isn’t driven and, you know, doesn’t act purposefully and, you know, is very satisfied with mediocrity. And I know what it’s like to be with someone who is super driven and almost too much so you know, and you know, almost to the point of being selfish. And I also know what it’s like to be in a partnership with someone who is, you know, very balanced in their drive and generous and thoughtful and considerate and so I really know the full range.

So I understand why each of us says that. Now, what I’m realizing, you know, as I’ve explored sort of these varying relationships, and partly because I was listening to a sermon recently by TD Jakes, you know, about what it looks like to go through various seasons, that are usually started with some version of loss but then, you know, we end up having to work and grow and get strong in between those versions as we lead towards the thing that we’re you know, being transformed for. Is that, I think, and again, you can tell them exploring this thought, but feel free to you know, hit me up on Instagram and tell me if I’m wrong, y’all, you can you can shout at me if you think I’m wrong, I have no problem getting to my DMs.

But what I’ve noticed is that there is so much conversation in our society, about an expectation for our partner to carry some level of help or support or motivation or partnership with us in accomplishing our goals. So many of us are seeking out as a primary attribute in our partner, someone who will help us get where we want to be. And what I’m learning and I don’t know if it’s just because I’m getting older or if it’s the specific seasons that I’ve been in, is that yes, you absolutely, 100% need to be with someone who has a lifestyle and a being and a sense of self that is supportive and in alignment with the goals you want to have.

Let me clarify, if you have a goal to be a weightlifter fitness guru who counts their macros and only eats boiled chicken and rice, it probably isn’t to your benefit to be with a pastry chef. Right? You know, on a core level, if you have very specific goals, you definitely want to be with someone who is in alignment with those goals and even better, and this is something that I think is, you know, only trauma can induce, you know, and only good therapy and prayer can get you out of, and I say that from personal experience, you know, but you definitely don’t want a partner who’s going to pull you down from those goals. If that pastry chef is baking cakes every day, you know that that doesn’t help at all, you know, it’s one thing for them to work at the bakery. And the two of you be unaligned, you know, and it’s another for them to work from home, you know, and have you be their primary taste tester. Okay, you know what, exactly what I mean by that.

But what I’m realizing is that, and I say this, because it’s a realization for me, too. I mean, I’m not kidding today I was on the treadmill listening to TD Jakes. And I realized when he said, I think one of the phrases he said was something about, you’re going to need to recognize that even though you’re not alone, because God is with you. Because y’all know I’m a God girl, I’m a believer. But even though God is with you, some of these things you’re meant to do alone.

Now, I get criticism, you know, on the internet, and, you know, I’m aware of it, you know, people thinking that I got into my relationship too soon, or just people being sad about my divorce or, you know, curious about how I have a new partner. And granted, I’m years into, you know, my relationship being over with my ex. And honestly, even though we were married, if you really go back and count, it was over for longer than I thought, and I’m actually years into my partnership with Alex.

But what’s interesting is that prior to really engaging in my partnership, I had a season of singleness, a season of aloneness, a season of really trying to figure out what I liked, and where I stood, and who I was, and what I needed and what I did need, as well as teaching myself and reteaching myself, how to live by myself. What does it look like to not be solely dedicated to a partnership? And what does it look like to balance out where you put your efforts and your times between your children and yourself and your business?

And, and I did it badly, you know, I did it badly, because for over a decade, I truly did live for the people in my household. And, you know, when that well of fuel was empty, you know, I started having health problems. And if you go back and listen to episode one and two, and I think three of this season, of season three, of the podcast, you’ll hear, you know, some of the health outcomes and marital outcomes and relationship outcomes that kind of happened, you know, after a decade of sort of giving of oneself without really thinking about, you know, what about balance and what I needed, and just not realistic.

But once I finally entered a partnership, and I’m going to be so transparent about this, because I think that I’d be lying entirely if I didn’t, and then it’s just not even fair to you or to myself. But when I first got into my partnership, I really think I relied on Alex for more than I should have. And it’s not because I wasn’t okay being alone. But it was mostly because I was just so happy to have partnership, in the beginning. And happiness meaning I loved him, like oh, and I love him. You know, I mean, when I tell you, the goodness of this man, he’s such a good person, like just independent of this relationship. He is like, for every good thing I’ve done in this world, God has put together a man and given that all back to me. I mean, every good thing, like from letting someone cut in on the freeway to handing out $1 to an unhoused person. Like every single bit of that has been returned to me and this man and my children like I am truly blessed.

But I definitely was just grateful for companionship, I didn’t realize that. Yes, I was comfortable being alone, but I really did not enjoy being lonely. And so when I met him in partnership, there was so much joy from being able to have someone to just sit on a couch with, you know, because I’m a homebody and I love being a wife, you know, and I love the care, you know, of I’m just naturally maternal in so many ways.

And that’s something that can, you know, readily be taken advantage of in the wrong relationship. I’m very blessed to be in the right one, but because I have this incredible relationship with him. I was so excited to not be lonely, even though I was okay being alone. And so it was great, because I also started benefiting from things that come with partnership where if I was having a rough day, I had this person who would pick me up. If I was having a day where I need a little bit of motivation, he surely would, you know, come with a little bit of that fire. And I did the same for him and do the same for him but it was just really nice to know that, you know, if we wanted a gym day, we could go together. If we wanted to meal prep, we were meal prepping together.

I mean, it was this thing that I was exploring that I never had in my life. I have never had anyone who would go at it with me and I talked about this in my book, coming this fall, and that if you do a little digging, you can find online now. But I talked about this in my book. Growing up, I had parents who would mock me for my weight, and chastise me for being overweight and heavy. And I don’t say these things with the same anger, I know that some people can relate to this, because you maybe you grew up culturally, where your parents knew that they were doing this where it was deeply harmful, it does not excuse that it wasn’t okay.

But in my parents culture, I mean, literally, that’s just how they talk. Like, it’s just like, oh, yeah, getting fat, you know, like, it’s not even meant to be harmful. It’s more like a statement of fact, but they aren’t aware that you know, in different cultures and different backgrounds, that it actually has a different impact. So, you know, I had parents who would, you know, mock me for my weight, but then, you know, as I would take strides to try to work on it, you know, and I say this, like, as a young girl, you know, like, 15, 16, as I’ve been trying to work out or whatever, or watch my diet, they would, then like order a pizza. Just like, do these little things, you know, and I talk about in the book, the root cause of that, and the outcome. And, you know, just awakening to the awareness of what it looks like to have someone in your life that is, in an underhanded way, undercutting your efforts.

The way I described in my book is, you know, you spend every morning, knitting a blanket, only to wake up and find out that someone has unraveled it, you know, while you sleep. When you wake up to that and you wake up to how you replicate those patterns and all of your relationships, dating, friendship, marriages, you know, that you are with people who are unraveling your your work, you realize, you know, that you’ve got major change to make.

But having always had people like that in my life, it was so refreshing. And delightful, it is so refreshing and delightful to have someone who is truly committed to seeing me at my best, whatever that may be. And, and also is aware that, because of my nature, and who I am, me at my best is us at our best. And it’s just a real blessing. And I never knew it was possible. And it was so exciting. When I first got into it these first couple of months, between you know, the the love, the lust, the newness, the, you know, all of that, you know, to also have this thing that I just didn’t even know what it was, you know, but it was just a level of support I’ve never seen before. 

But after the years, you know, after time has passed, you know, and you start getting used to having that type of support, the thing that I want to talk to you about and that I hope that you understand, and what I’m learning now is that there are some times that you need to embrace aloneness within your relationship. And this is a trip for me, when I tell you my brain is like, I’ve been chewing on this today. And it came up because last night Alex got back from a late gig that he was working at and when he got home, you know, one of the things I’ve noticed with him as he always needs a couple of minutes to unwind. And part of that is because as a musician, you know, some of his work is just producer work. So he’s in the studio. So when he gets home, he’s ready to engage, because he’s been, you know, working, kind of staring at a screen, but when he is performing on a stage in front of 10s of 1000s of people or, you know, working out a private performance, you know, and it’s loud and noisy, when he gets home he wants to zone out as he describes it, you know, he’s like, I just need a minute to zone out.

He needs his aloneness in order to recharge to be his best self again. And that happened yesterday, what sucked was it was a disconnect, because I was excited for him to come home and ready to engage with him. And he was ready to chill out. And so we had to, like talk about that, you know, so that way, you know, I just found something else to do while he did that, and then we kind of came back. But that being said, I think I’m in a place right now, where I have very specific goals that I want to attain. I want my book to be a wild success. Now, the way that I define that is not based on money, and it’s not based on books sold. I want people to read it. And I want them when they come up to me to be able to say this sentence was helpful, or this gave me freedom. Or I never knew this about myself, but it caused me to explore this thing and I learned this. This made me a better parent, this made me a better person. And, and in order for that to happen, I’ve got to engage in the process of getting my books into hand, but encouraging the turning of pages in a whole new way.

And I’m working on that, but it makes me scared. You know. And I also know that right now in the chapter I’m in, I need to generate revenue. And generating revenue, doesn’t mean that I don’t already have systems in place, I make a ton of money, but I also spend a ton of money, particularly because of the sort of post-divorce crazy world, you know, where you are the breadwinner for everyone, I’ve literally closed down one life, reestablish another one.

And then I also have growing kids, I mean, I’ve got a 24 year old who is in recovery and not 100% supporting herself. I have a 21 year old who’s in college and doing excellently, but needs help in this sort of launching chapter. And I’ve got an 11 year old who, you know, is shifting from some of those childlike expenses to the type of expenses where it supports her development. You know, she’s got to discover what sport she likes, and what music she likes because it’s all going to lead to a greater purpose.

She’s in this sort of developmental phase in her life that I know is going to dictate her future. And I don’t want to skimp on any expense. And I think a lot of you can relate to this, it isn’t a lack situation, it’s wanting to create an environment of abundance, you know, for my babies, and when you know you’re doing it yourself, I always have been doing it myself, but when you know that you’re doing yourself and the needs are shifting, I just really want to be ready for that, you know, so I’ve just recognized that there are all these places that are requiring me to give a surge of energy and a surge of fire to it because I want to grow. And I realized that for the past couple months, I’ve been looking to my partner to help me there.

I’ve been looking to my partner to support me in some ways, and I don’t mean, support me financially, or to cheer me on per se. But I guess I always looked at it as a we’re going for it together thing because that was always the dream because it was something that was so missing from my past, you know that “oh my gosh, if I just got this partner, if I just got someone like this, or with these attributes, you know, I’m really going to take off.” Well, you know, friends, I have it, I have that, I have that and more. Alex is a dreamboat. I mean there are things manifested in him that I didn’t even know to pray for. God went above and beyond.

And yet, I know for a fact that there is growth that I need to make alone in order to even benefit from the bonus blessing of partnership. And that is the thing that I want to offer you an exploration with this chat. Are there things you need to do alone, to make sure that you could even really benefit from the blessing of the partnership you have or the partnership you want? And I don’t mean in the cheesy way where it’s like girl, get yourself ready so that when your husband comes you’re ready to be a wife, I don’t even mean that.

I mean, if the thing that you need to get better at is managing your time. I don’t mean like get your body right. You know, managing your time. You know, like waking up with more intentionality. For me, it’s figuring out with clarity what do I want this next chapter of my life to look like? Like real clarity because I’ve been so fixated and downright nervous and scared about the conversations that we are going to have once this book is in your hand. I’m not kidding, y’all. 

We are going to be having some tough talks, because I’m talking about things in this book that you did not know about. Pregnancy loss, decisions around my girls, relationships with their mother, you know, I’m talking about things I don’t go into my marriage too, too much in this book. But I think sometimes there’s a lot said by what’s not said, you know, that I’m going to have to answer for, you know, in our conversations where you’re going to say, Nicole, why did you do this? Why didn’t you do this? Why did you allow this, you know, and in preparing myself for these conversations and being fixated on the outcome, you know, of them, knowing that, I’m gonna have them with you all. I’m going to have them here, I’m gonna have them in person, I’m going to have them in our book signings, I mean, we’re going to have these chats because they’re required for all of us to collectively move forward.

There’s a reason why God gives some of us suffering, and it’s so that we can help deliver others from it and I’m not as prepared for that as I’d like to be. But the preparation for that moment, is not going to be done in collaboration with my partner. The preparation for that does not exist outside of self. The preparation for the next big thing starts with me. And it starts with you.

If you want to have that big business, if you want to embrace entrepreneurship, if you want to kick those extra pounds, if you want to get that promotion, if you want to become a better mom, if you want to become a better wife, if you want to become a better Christian, if you want to be a better friend, those things don’t exactly exist, the answers to that aren’t necessarily external. You may want to look and say, hey, you know, what content do I need to be consuming?

One of the phrases that I often tell my clients, when I meet with them one to one is going back to basics. We will often, whenever we feel like we’ve got this big, outlandish new thing that we need to do, come up with these crazy overwhelming, you know, possibilities on how to get it done. We will say, well, I really need to set up this funnel, or I need to get this mentorship or I really need to apply for this thing. And we kind of make the things so big that we never do the dang thing. Because it’s out there, right? Well, if I can just book this many stages, or, you know, what I really need to do is I need to be doing this thing like two to three times a week.

Well listen, when I tell you in order for you to get where you are today, right, which may be you know, a mom with a couple babies or have your home or the job you have or moving to a new city or the new partnership or heck for me, you know, a divorce and, you know, a second marriage with you know, babies and you know, all of that for me to get to where I am, you know, or where I want to be, that direction, I had to do things already to make these sorts of big changes.

And when I tell you, sometimes it’s going back to basics. What did I used to do before that I am not doing now that got me where I needed to go because there was a season where you were alone in that doing and sometimes returning to that same mindset of being alone in the doing without sacrificing your dedication to your partnership, or your desire for one, is going to be the thing that actually propels you forward.

So I say all of this, let you know, if you find yourself resenting this season of solitude, if you find yourself reaching for your partner, rather than reaching within, or you feel like there’s something missing, that’s keeping you from actually getting to where you want to be, I want to let you know that if you look inside, you’ll notice that nothing is missing. If you look inside, and you realize that maybe there’s a couple things that you can learn or grow from or do that will help you actually accomplish where you want to go and you focus on that. Because that’s what I’m doing. You know, I’m focusing on my dedication, I’m focusing on my discipline, you know, I’m focusing on hitting those basic tasks in a consistent way. Content creation, email, sending out pitches, phone calls, lunches, meetings, relationship building, the things that I know, not only nurture my business and my life and my family, but also nurture my soul. I feel good when I do them and I feel good when I engage with people this way.

Ultimately the growth that I receive will benefit my partnership, my family and in turn the world. And so I want you to know that as you watch every single step that I’m taking friend, and as I share this journey with you, I want you to know that I invite you to do it with me. And know that while we may be doing this part together, the independent work we’re doing alone is really going to make us better in the long run. So friend, the book is coming. I’m scared. The changes are being made. I’m scared. But I want you to know it’s worthy work.

And as we show up every single day, not looking to our left, not looking to our right because no one’s coming to save us, I want you to know that nothing is missing.